• velezv314

It's like I know something is off, but I can't put my finger on it until, it's like oh sh*t it's here! It's like a beautiful sense of denial, of no everything is fine, everything is okay and then a oh yea, it's happening again. There's a romantic nostalgia which is not warranted because sometimes it can be life or death.

It’s sort of a subtle feeling, comforting at first, like an old friend visiting or a warm blanket, but then my friend starts stealing my joy and my warm blanket starts suffocating me and choking me.

It's like a storm was brewing in Ohio and I could maybe feel the change in pressure in New Jersey but I didn't feel the winds until the storm hit the mainland! It starts creeping in like a mist which turns into a fog. The dense clouds start to settle in with plus or minus high heaven winds of anxiety. These two good old cousins like taking turns being first.

The funk is sort of fun at first but then it's hard to shake off. I know what to do to find some relief like watching the sunrise, going for a bike ride, playing the violin, drawing, painting, talking to a friend but I can’t seem to find the motivation to participate and all I can do is isolate. Everything is bleak and there’s no point. There’s despair and no hope. It’s hard to imagine feeling well again. Sometimes a numbness and apathy, not caring, senseless and other times it's a deep, deep heart-aching sadness. I am in a deep well and I can't see the light. It's lonely and dark. Nothing seems to help except for time and this too shall pass.

  • velezv314

Updated: 4 days ago

So I need meds. But why am I making such a big deal about it and putting up such a good fight? Maybe because my mom had a really bad reaction when she came off of them abruptly without consulting her doctor and I witnessed this all as a 6/7 year old and I am still scared of what 'meds can do.' Maybe because I have bought into the idea that I need to meditate and yoga my way out of this. Bike ride through it, draw through it, dance and listen to music through it, but when I start having crying fits at work, that's when I know it's time for meds.

I prescribe them all the time and have seen how helpful they can be for folks, but when it comes to me, I feel like I can do it on my own. I guess, I just need to let go of the resistance and come to terms that I need meds.

So here is the thing, nothing is wrong with me. I didn't do anything wrong. I am not in trouble. I am not being punished. I am not bad. I did nothing bad. I am not to blame. I am not at fault. I am not a quitter. I am not a failure. I have not failed just because I need to take meds. The truth is that I am brave and courageous. I'm making it less hard to get better and getting out of the way of helping myself. And thank God that there are meds!

Just remember, it's not a magic pill, all of my 'problems' will not go away. I will still have my down days, but I won't be as anxious, depressed or obsessive. It will take the edge off, so it'll be easier to get out of bed, go for a bike ride and continue self-care.

So I guess I am taking meds!

Bless these meds!

  • velezv314

Wild Nothing and Beach Fossils (I missed Hannah Jadagu who is soooo talented! Heard she was great!)

The crowd was mostly still, with some nervous and nonchalant Philly energy. I walked from one spot to another, stage left, stage right, center, floor and lower floor to get a feel for the vibes. I settled between all of them as the music began to be played. I jumped and frolicked and skipped and danced from one end to another. Feeling my way through the X, Y, Z axis. Dancing off the monotony, the isolation, the cabin fever. Mostly and intensely, celebrating life and breath and movement, my able body, this opportunity! I kicked my feet, threw my hands at the beats, swirled. The yummy guitar and silly, fun repetitive rhythms. “You can have me all! Leaving and letting it all out! “Falling right in!” The undertones, pauses and space in between.

Sweet moment alert! As I was running around through the venue, one of the security guards gestured a high five with his eyes sparkling and masked smile (Covid-19 pandemic :0). I reciprocated with an elbow bump afraid to catch germs and excited to reciprocate joy! What beautiful, fleeting embodied happiness! What life!