What Does An Existential Crisis Feel Like

There is no footing.

No ground beneath me.

Without roots

Swaying lost.

Wandering and wondering.

Empty and numb.

No origins.

No history.

Solid doesn't feel physical.

Knocking on wind.

A hallucinating dream.

A figment.

Of imagination.

Bleak seascapes and landscapes.

An island and an echo chamber.

A vacuum.

A void

The eternal emptiness.

Confused and misunderstood.

Searching but there's no search party.

Questioning.

To sleep, to wake up and to pretend.

Like it's all normal and all okay.

How are you today?

Just fine.

Head down and distract this incessant knack.

Wish I could buy into this great catastrophe.

The senseless.

What is it all about?

To get educated, work and then die?

How could I die if I don't feel alive?

Where would I go?

My body and soul

Where does life end and death begin?

Do you find yourself asking:

What is the meaning of life?

Why was I born?

Why am I here?

Where did I come from?

What's my purpose?

What is reality?

What is the point?

That's awesome! Fun questions to ask! It can also feel so frustrating, tiring and feel like there's no end. But hey! It's cool that we are waking up! Ringing the alarm!

It's the journey not the destination? Everything is nothing? Nothing is everything? Nothing matters and everything matters! One thing is for sure: It's all temporary and impermanent. Therefore, enjoy every breath!

Mourning Winter: Climate Change Anxiety

Spring allergies came way too early

I'm still waiting for winter

Flurries, cotton balls, sleet, freezing rain

Snow plows

Snow days

I'm mourning today

Moving on

Skipping over

It never came

Not even delayed

Fall leaped into spring

Where's winter?

My seasonal depression was happier

but my climate existential anxiety is feeling crazed

And the time change came way too early

Tulips, daffodils, cherry blossoms

Green slopes waiting

Winter never came

We cannot even have a funeral for winter never arrived

Psychiatric Inpatient Poem

Rain brings flowers

Spring into leaps

Spontaneous impulses and speech

Blooming pressure

No need for sleep

With this special mission

This is the new coming of age

And it's turning

It's crowding into me

The deceptions, misinterpretations, the ideas of reference

The delusions

So fixed, they take hold, nothing can unhinge me from this reality

CIA, FBI, government tracking me

They are after me

Locked accounts

Bugging phones

Scared

Unsafe

Unkept

Scams and screams

It's crumbling down

Poisoning me

I left the dog out and broke the bathroom sink

Called the police

Wandering streets

PRNs

Haldol, Benadryl, Ativan, Thoriazine, Olanzapine

Restraints

These lights are blaring and everyone is checking up on me

Vital signs

Still alive

Blood draws

Still warm inside

The air is dense.

No circulation

No direct sunlight

Sensitive soul

Interrogations, asking me

Are you having thoughts of ending your life, killing yourself, not wanting to be alive?

Sometimes

Hearing voices?

Maybe

Seeing things that might not be there?

Barely

Bizarre, strange, out of the ordinary

This is me. This is me.

What is normal functioning?

Burning bridges

Want to fall off

But I want to leave

It's time for

On the clock

Round about

Ring the Alarm

It's time for meds.

what about time?

What about time?

Don't, don't don't touch me

Meds over objection protocol

Involuntarily here against my own will

Your Honor I remain under oath

Requesting continued commitment

Due to dangerousness to self, others and property

But there's no need to be here

This is one of my favorite songs written by Sylvan Esso. They were inspired by the story of Jamie, someone with Bipolar Disorder. She was featured on an episode of WNYC podcast Radiolab.